In a previous blog post, we explored the topic of emotionally focused therapy. A therapy style focused on the introspection of underlying emotions that cause conflict within relationships, mainly targeted towards intimate couples. In this article, we will elaborate further on the topic of relationship health through a similar but separate school of thought. Here, we will discuss relationship health and therapy through the profound work of John Gottman and the Gottman Institute.
The Gottman Institute has invested decades of research into love and relationships. With no prior motive, the institute has worked to produce empirical evidence of physiologic, psychological and social aspects of relationship health and longevity. Years of research have produced profoundly interesting observations that can be very helpful in developing useful therapeutic techniques. These perspectives can help all of us in our relationships. This post will aim to go over a brief selection of the research’s interesting findings.
Firstly, physiologic responses observed in unhealthy relationships are of great interest. Research conducted by the Gottman Institute has noticed that the faster the heart rate, higher the blood pressure, the more sweat being produced by an individual, and alike (all signs of sympathetic activity, and the fight or flight response), the more likely relationship happiness will deteriorate (Gottman & Gottman, 2017). Additionally, individuals who are flooded with hormones related to the fight or flight response are less capable of processing incoming information, and subsequently have a harder time remembering what positive traits they enjoy about their partner (Gottman & Gottman, 2017). These observed physiologic responses are akin to the polyvagal theory, which states that prosocial behavior is influenced by our autonomic nervous system state (Porges, 2007). The emotions involved with stress and being flustered can be incredibly detrimental to the health of a relationship. Therefore, it is highly recommended that individuals learn to stay calm during times of conflict (Gottman & Gottman, 2017). As a side note, this also supports the usefulness of yoga and meditation as daily practices that generate more autonomic nervous system balance and decrease sympathetic activity. Holistic practices such as these will not only increase your mental and physical health but can go a long way in sustaining healthy relationships as well.
The Gottman Institute, through its time, has also produced what they call “The Sound Relationship House Theory”. The following information is all from a paper by John Gottman titled The Natural Principles of Love (Gottman & Gottman, 2017). This theory is generally articulated as advice that therapists can use to help relationships that need healing. The foundation of this house is formed by generating a love map of the partner. A love map is what a partner creates in understanding the inner psychological world of their partner. Generating this kind of understanding is crucial in a healthy loving relationship, and is the beginning of a strong and healthy bond. Secondly, sharing fondness and admiration is characterized by healthy communication of affection and respect. Next, one should build a healthy mindful awareness of the partners’ needs and desires. More importantly, once an understanding of the needs and desires are heard and understood, one should act upon them rather than ignore them. A house built on these fundamentals will be incredibly sturdy, especially when the other guidelines outlined in the provided image are followed. At the top of the house is generating shared meaning. The Gottman Institute claims that happiness in a relationship comes secondary, and should not be the main objective. It is more important to generate meaning and purpose through the relationship. In doing so, happiness will soon follow. Lastly, the pillars of this house are trust and commitment. Having these will hold the house together, and ensure that it does not fall apart.
Research at the Gottman Institute has also come up with some general tips on what to avoid in a relationship. They call these the Four Horseman, after the fabled Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. The four are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling (Gottman & Gottman, 2017). Criticism occurs when a partner frequently complains about a habit or action often performed by the other in a non-constructive manner. Defensiveness is a response to criticism and is when a partner reflects a previously made complaint back on the partner, often escalating conflict. Contempt is when constructive communication ceases all together, and the partner tends to mock or ridicule the other out of anger. Stonewalling occurs when conflict is so frequent, that a partner shuts themselves off and no longer attempts to communicate to resolve any issues. All of these communication patterns are highly indicative of a relationship that will end. They should be avoided at all costs.
The science and research regarding relationships and love is far too robust to cover in one blog post. Nonetheless, it is clear that there are some fundamentally simple steps we all can take that ensure healthy relationships. Firstly, healthy communication is crucial. This is often characterized by listening, reflecting, expressing one’s own emotions, and making active decisions to better adhere to the wants and desires of the partner. This will also inevitably lead to the generation of true understanding of a partner’s psyche, which can help in expressing and noticing the mutual love and respect shared amongst one another. Lastly, these healthy habits will inevitably lead to trust and commitment, so that the two individuals may walk side by side confidently in life. We humans do not live life alone. Let us learn to understand, respect, and care for one another’s desires and feelings so that we may live a life of bountiful love.
References
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7–26. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12182
Porges, S. W. (2007). The polyvagal perspective. Biological Psychology, 74(2), 116–143. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsycho.2006.06.009
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Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7–26. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12182
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